New Job- New Hope

Exhaustion- in the retail world, it is abnormally common and most people in the business look 10 years older than they actually are unless they work in one of the corporate offices. This is one of the many reasons why I am getting out. My new job in special education will probably be one of the toughest I will ever take on. I do not know how long I will be working as a teacher for children with autism, but it will be an incredible challenge. The money is not... fantastic. It is better than what retail has to offer me, and the benefits are amazing. And my first two weeks of vacation time are in August. I start later in April so we'll see how long this lasts.

I still haven't painted for some time. My level of inspiration is at an all time low, so I better get going on that. Hopefully the new job will allow me some time to create my own work to inspire he students. There's one particular painting that I would love to finish that is morbid, slightly disturbing, but hopefully will make people think. Hopefully, the time to finish this work will appear sooner rather than later.

M and I have had our moments in the past few weeks. Things are looking better. We talk of the future more often and he seems more relaxed as of late. We've both had terrible nightmares lately. He has had yet another dream about his time in Iraq, and I had one of him almost dying because of a car accident... and finding out he was cheating on me at the same time. We talked of our dreams, and nightmares, and it is such a relief to have an intelligent conversation with someone on a daily basis. We were able to just talk it through and the worry we both had has almost dissipated.

Still, there is the unbelievable ache in my stomach that something terribly wrong is about to happen. Maybe the current events are too good to be true. We shall see.

Some good news

After a long day of dealing with the idiocy of the American general public, I came home to my apartment that was actually... clean. M was having a PTSD moment though, and was slightly aggressive his manner. Not physically, just in his voice, I could hear the stress and frustration as he spoke. Tough to deal with when you have a mind-numbing job that seems to wear on you no matter what. With a smile and a kiss to give M, I let him go to his job in law enforcement hoping that he'll be more subdued when he comes home in the morning.

Cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen some more, and was checking email... when I got it. There had been two interviews for this specific job (working with autistic kids), and busted my behind for it. This email was for an offer. Salary, benefits, and a 3rd interview with the Executive Director.

After all the sh*t I have been through, all the heartache and tears: a light of hope for a better with a career.

Now on to making the apartment a home.

Let me introduce myself...

The point of this is to keep my identity as hidden as possible without denying my personality. Everyone needs a way to get those deep thoughts off of their chest- or just to complain. But when you're in my position of: mid-to-early 20's, trying to find yourself, career, and permanent love- things get... well... interesting.

So I did what every young woman does in the Northeast corner of the lovely United States of America. Completion of Bachelor's Degree: check. Moved in with a dependable, yet loving boyfriend: check. Found the career of my dreams: ____. Nope. At least half-way satisfied with life: ____. Nope.

OK, so I've been through hell and back several times. My friends and family don't know the half of what has happened to me since childhood. If they communicated with each other about me for more than 15-20 minutes, oh boy would they think I was a head case. We'll leave that for later.

The good that comes out of life is the few moments I spend drawing, painting, or taking pictures. Lately, that has not been happening as often as it should. My boyfriend of 8 months is as understanding as can be. We'll call him M. M is handsome in that Marine way (literally- he's in the Marine Reserves and in law enforcement), and is genuinely sensitive. However, he can be selfish and childlike at times even though he's several years older than myself. Definitely comfortable. In love? Yes... but not in the crazy passionate way. That worries me sometimes, and wonder if I'm going to flunk out of the relationship by sabotaging it. We'll see.

That's the general background. Stick around for the fun.